Living alone has many perks especially when it’s in a beautiful place surrounded by horses. Yet when your grief hits you hard and it’s overwhelming, living alone becomes somewhat less enticing.

Right now I’m in a pretty big wave of sadness, one where going home to an empty house sounds like the last thing I want to do. Part of me wants to be alone to sit with my friend grief, let it flow through me as I know it wants to; but the rest of me just wants to be hugged so tight. Tight enough, that maybe for a split second I lose my breath, because then maybe when it comes back to me, I’ll remember how to breathe when I’m drowning in the waves of sadness.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m surrounded by some of the most amazing, supportive humans, ones who would drop everything to hug me and make sure I’m okay- many of whom know how sad I am at this moment and have hugged or offered to spend time with me. It’s just that the only person I want to spend time with and hug, I can’t. The one I can no longer call or hug, the one who I’ll never hear I love you from again. The one who is gone and not coming back.

That’s the thing about death, the losing people part hurts more than you could imagine, but learning to live without them? Yeah that part makes you feel like your hearts been ripped out of your chest and stomped on.