Happy birthday.

You’re 49 now, and we’re spending another birthday without you. The last few weeks have been tough, I think a lot of that has to do with knowing this day was looming on the horizon. Just like every single one of our birthdays, each Christmas, anniversary & Mother’s Day do without you.

Here are the things I miss most about you: I miss your laugh and your smile, the way it lit up an entire room and genuinely brought the sunshine to ANY cloudy day. I miss you telling us that you didn’t want presents, only well behaved children, I’d give anything to hear that one more time. I miss asking your advice on the tiniest little things. I even miss hearing you tell me to quit whining! There is so much I miss about you every day, I can hardly believe we’re hitting another birthday without you.

I cherish every single minute I got with you, I will for as long as I live. Yet, there isn’t a minute of each new day that I don’t wish for you to be here with us. I would give anything to drink an Empress right beside you at the bar, “cheer-sing” to a new year of life. Tomorrow is your birthday, tomorrow I head to San Diego to see dad, to spend a couple days with him before my trip to Tennessee where I get to celebrate the love of my best friends. I’m going to carry you in my heart this week mama, let you guide me as I explore a new city & celebrate love. Though whilst I’m celebrating love, I’m also feeling a little sadness knowing that someday it will be my turn to be married and you won’t be there to celebrate with me. However, I’m going to choose to live it up this week, I’ve been working myself into the ground, and I’m going to enjoy every second I get with my best friends in an amazing place.

I miss you my sweet mama. But like I told my sisters tonight, I have to embrace the parts of us that you gave to us. Our strength, courage, bravery, our wisdom and the fierce love are all things you passed to us to share with the world. Mama, you were the bravest, strongest most super woman there ever was and you were SO good, we deserved more time than we got with you, but I know that I have to share your goodness and love with the world.

There is so much more I could write, I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever stop writing, but for now this is what I have.

Happy birthday, I love you to the moon and back. Always.