Seasons of Grief

As the seasons change, so does my grief. We’re hurtling towards what will (would?) be my mothers 49th birthday – the second one celebrated without her, our second thanksgiving, my dad’s second birthday without her, and of course the hardest one of them all Christmas. Holiday’s are the hardest without her here, the ache in my heart feels more prevalent as we approach them. I can hardly believe we’re about to celebrate more birthdays without her, let alone another Christmas without her.

For as long as I can remember, we had a tradition to pick out our Christmas tree, go home and decorate the tree together. Mum liked to pretend like we were helping her, but in reality as fast as we put a decoration on the tree, she’d move it to a new spot, one better suited to her tastes. We all knew she’d do it, but no one minded as we all just enjoyed rooting through the boxes of memories synonymous with Christmas decorations. I can’t remember when it started, but we also had a tradition of getting a Chinese takeout after we’d decorated. Last year Christmas looked a little different, naturally. Dad didn’t really feel like decorating at first, and honestly the three of us weren’t sure we wanted to either. Alas, we decided mum would be very disappointed if we didn’t, so we picked out a tree and did minimal decorations.

We spent Christmas Eve at the beach. The four of us, eating slices of pizza taking in the views and listening to the waves lapping on the shore..a new tradition, one without mum. Weird. This year I’m not sure what Christmas will look like, we’re trying to get my nana and grandad out to spend it with us in San Diego, but Christmas just really doesn’t feel like Christmas these days. I used to love blasting Christmas songs, jumping around the living room, laughing and singing at the top of my lungs. Christmas has always meant laughter, board games, joy and family time. Whilst many of these are still a part of Christmas, a Christmas without mum just isn’t as cheery. I know it’s only October, but the thought of Christmas being two months away makes me feel a bit sick really.

I haven’t written as much lately, work and life get in the way sometimes, and finding words are hard. Each day is so different to the last, and let me tell you trying to date while working two jobs and having a dead mom, is exhausting y’all..I’m tired!! But from one grieving human to another, if someone makes a joke about death and it’s personal, it’s okay to laugh. Sometimes the only way I can get through the day is by making jokes and using my humor to get me through. It does not mean I’m “over” it, cause I never ever will be, nor does it mean you can make a joke..but sometimes it’s just my way of saying, if I don’t make this joke I might break down into a puddle of tears..so I’ll take what I can get!!

Keep loving, keep hugging & smile!!!! Life gets shorter each day, don’t be afraid to love deeply & open your heart to people..I’m still telling myself this as I work through my own demons.

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