When people discuss grief, it’s often synonymous with sorrow, sadness, anguish and despair. While grief can indeed encompass all of those feelings, it also can have you yearning to understand the true depths of loss. There are countless analogies and metaphors to try to explain grief; waves crashing on a shore, a dark rain cloud over your head; or the metaphor (from Lauren Herschel) shared with me after my mum died, the ball in a box- if you aren’t familar with it: our life is represented as a closed box, the grief as a large bouncy ball inside it, and the pain as a button within the box. Initially, after losing someone, grief can overwhelm every part of your existence, causing the ball to bounce and hit the pain button with every movement you make. Over time, the ball may diminish in size within your life, but the intensity of pain when it hits the button remains unchanged—the intervals between these hits simply grow longer.

I found this to be quite fitting as I first began to grapple with my own grief after my mum’s passing. Yet, I still am trying to find the words to describe how it feels in the smaller moments of grief, when maybe the ball hasn’t triggered that pain button yet, but there’s a lump in my throat and suddenly I am struggling to remember how to catch my breath. No one talks about those unexpected in-between moments of grief and loss; like walking up to an ATM, and the lady in front of me is wearing a perfume mum had, the smell wafting into my face as I am hit with an entire lifetime of memories, watching as mum’s and daughters interact in daily activities with a pang of envy for all those moments that I have lost or even as simple as making a new recipe for dinner and wanting so badly to show how good my cooking has gotten. I may have burned water when I was younger but I have become quite the chef the last few years, cooking is a passion just like it was for my mum and I ache to share those creations with her.

Grief can feel like homesickness but instead of feeling it for a place, you feel it for people. Homesick for the people you have lost, but also for the person you were before the loss that changed your world. Those small moments of grief are the parts of loss that you never truly understand until you’re living it. There will always be birthdays, anniversaries, holidays they loved and even the “deathiversary”, where you are expected to be sad and miss them. But, there is the everyday grief of losing someone that isn’t talked about. It’s lying awake at night, revisiting memories and replaying conversations, wondering if you said everything you needed to say. You find yourself questioning what you would do differently if you had just five more minutes with them. Remembering the last time you hugged them, wishing that you’d savored it just a little longer knowing now it was the last time.

I see my grief as a suitcase packed with memories, where occasionally the zip breaks; letting something slip out through the opening. It stays for a short time, and then I have to tuck it back in and keep moving forward until the next time the zip gives out.

Grief can be such a different process for everyone, no two people will ever feel the same way. What I have learned about grief in my own journey over the last six years, is that it will always be a part of who you are. It may not define you, but it becomes something that you carry with you wherever you may go. While every loss is different, death and loss is a universal experience. No matter what you believe happens at the end, one thing will always remain true; every single person will face loss in their life. In some ways, we can find solace knowing that this universality is what makes us all the same, it will shape our lives in profound ways. The ways we process grief are as individual as we are, but loss is still the one shared human experience we all have, regardless of anything else that may make us different.

Here’s my takeaway for you: amidst your grief, whether it feels overwhelming or small, take moments to be still and listen. As humans, we’re often caught up in constant movement, jumping from one thing to the next. It’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters in life and how to cherish it. Sometimes it’s those smaller moments of grief that really help you understand the depth of emotions after loss, and how to navigate the path of grief.