Finding My Strength

Sharing news with family and friends- something we all do; have you ever shared news “too soon”? The excitement took over, or the fear that it would get out first so you rushed to be the one to say it? I have. We probably all have. Having social media at the touch of our fingertips makes sharing news even easier.

Half of our family and friends found out my mom was dying through a Facebook post. I can’t begin to imagine their thought process as they read the post, my dad’s uncle shared the news. We weren’t ready to share it with everyone yet, minus a few friends that my sisters and I had reached out to privately; we were planning to keep it quiet for a little bit longer. Cherishing those last hours with her and being with our family, as everyone who was out of state raced against the clock to be there as she took her final breaths. Alas, the news was out, so the messages came flooding in, of course we were grateful but what do you say to someone whose mom is dying? what do you reply to people messaging you, when you’re the one whose mom it is? There isn’t a lot you can say.

That’s actually not why I came on here tonight though.. I came on, because I too prematurely shared news on my Facebook and Instagram, and now I’m writing a blog post to tell you why. As I shared on my post, I’ve had a passion for therapeutic riding since I was a young teen & with that came a huge love for the book “Horse Boy” as recommended by many of my beloved mentors/role models/inspirations at Xenophon. So I’ve followed the Horse Boy Facebook for quite some time, and upon seeing a post pop up in search of an instructor for a program in Half Moon Bay that used the “Horse Boy Method”, I applied and I got the job and accepted. However, things are not always as they seem. Now, do not get me wrong, this facility is beautiful, the people were sweet yet I had an uneasy feeling and the long 3.5 hour drive didn’t help because I was left alone to stew with these anxious thoughts.

Ultimately, it came down to a different structure in terms of running sessions and from a safety standpoint there wasn’t a whole lot of structure and I began to feel uncomfortable; from a more legal/liability standpoint, there was not much in the way of paperwork and as an employee, there was no kind of screening process. Now, I do not have a criminal background nor do I plan to have one, but the lack of background check/screening for me, meant that no employee was being screened and that left an even bigger pit in my stomach. After contacting various connections within the non profit and therapeutic riding world, it came to my attention that it is in fact mandated state law that anyone working with children has to be either fingerprinted or background checked. As I plan to apply to nursing school next Spring, and hope to some day be a nurse; I can not have anything on my record that would affect this process and unfortunately I felt as though I was putting myself at risk of being held liable should anything happen.

I didn’t come to the decision to quit this job lightly, who wants to quit a job three weeks after they’ve started? Certainly not me. Mama sure didn’t raise no quitter, and let me tell you, I have battled with my grief in so many ways over the last month, racking my brains and trying to figure out what she would say if she was here. The same thing everyone else did, to follow my gut and my instincts. It makes me sad that this wasn’t the right path, but I’m trying to hold true to my inner self and to stick with a job that compromised my morals would not be staying true.

So there it is, a lesson learned- not to rush into posting things for the world to see, but also to follow your gut and stay true to who you are. Here’s to hoping there is something even bigger and better coming my way soon.

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